TMS
by ThisVioletofMine
Summary: Reptiles can't PMS, you say? Ha, well you've obviously never met Hamato Donatellia.


"Oooph…. oh Lord…. need… sunlight…" Donatellia moaned loudly, exaggeratedly. She was curled up on the couch, a light blanket resting on her legs and the forgotten TV remote in her hand.

Raphael looked up from his magazine, eyes wide with fear. Without a word, he was rushing into the kitchen like the devil himself was at his heels. He almost preferred that situation to this.

"Code red! CODE RED!" He shouted frantically at the remaining family members. Splinter's ears perked up, Leo's jaw clenched impossibly tight, and Mikey's eyes slowly inflated to roughly the size of two basketballs, give or take a few millimeters.

"Well, you heard the guy! Battle stations, everyone! Let's move move _move_!" Leo snapped, and the others silently obeyed.

Splinter was first, as usual, and was slowly approaching his only daughter with a small teacup in hand. She didn't acknowledge him. Usually it was at this point that he'd scold her for not paying better attention to her surroundings, but he now knew better than to act in such a way during her 'time of the month'. He had learned that the hard way, in fact, when his whiskers had been trimmed to tiny stumps in his sleep the night afterwards.

Now he approached very cautiously, fully aware that she did, in fact, know he was there and was just choosing to be pouty. He reached out and put an almost trembling hand on her scaly shoulder, his voice almost a whisper.

"D-Donatellia?" He stopped, coughed, continued, "My daughter, I have brought the tea you requested." He coughed again, clearing his throat. She whipped to face him so quickly that he had to stop himself from jumping in surprise, but to his utter relief, there was a big smile on her face.

"But dad, I didn't ask for any tea." She said in mock confusion. After all, he was just following the schedule that always came when her 'time' did. He smiled back at her and passed the delicate china to her, watching as she sniffed contentedly at the dark brew before approving of the scent and taking a large sip of the tea. Satisfied, the teenager swung her legs off the couch and beckoned her father to sit next to her. He obliged, but was extra careful to _be_ extra careful.

"So, daddy, have you caught up on our reading yet?" She asked casually, sipping some more of the tea. Damn, the warmth sure helped with her cramping.

Splinter nodded; he had indeed. They were both reading the book _To Kill a Mockingbird_, and once a week they typically met up at any given time (a time was never really set; they just both always seemed to _know_) and discuss chapters whatever through whatever.

"I believe I am at the part where Jean Louise is arguing with Jeremy." He said, frowning. He honestly didn't understand the story that much, and the cultures therein. Half the time the Japanese man could hardly even understand what they were saying. Still, he kept reading if not only to please his daughter and spend some more time one-on-one with her.

Donatellia snorted in a very unladylike fashion, hurrying to swallow her swig of tea before speaking again. "Which time? They sure do fight a lot."

"Indeed they do." The Sensei agreed, nodding along with her. "They are on the lawn of Mrs. Dubose and Jeremy snapped her staff." The turtle snorted again, this time in understanding.

"Yeyh," she said, suddenly feeling awkward, "I read that part… a few days 'go…" She trailed off, mind elsewhere. "Daddy, can I _please_ go out into the sunlight?" She asked for the millionth time this year. He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Donatellia, my dearest daughter, you know why you cannot." He said, ever patient.

The fifteen-year-old, however, was not. "_WHAT? _I _need_ it!_" _she screeched, springing to her feet in a rather graceful way that almost made the old father want to smile with pride despite the situation. "_Father_, I won't get caught, seen, molested, _whatever_ it is you're so desperately afraid of!" Oh geez, now she was using _distancing _words. "Why can't you just let me _be a teenager _every once and a while and stop being such an old _mouse_!" the girl spat out loudly, arms held out behind her as she leaned forward to yell in his face. Splinter wanted to correct her for the use of the word she _knew_ drove him crazy, but he also wanted to live another day. So, being a wise father, he opened his mouth, one finger held up, ready to say something about this, and…

… closed his mouth, and sped-walked out of the room.

Doni scowled to herself, kicking a rock across the room angrily before plopping her butt back on the couch with a '_hmpf'_, sprawling her legs over the furniture haphazardly. She suddenly _really_ wanted minnows. Like, enough to cover up her burning _need_ for sunlight.

"D-Doni?" Mikey called out with a cracking voice, shaking in his wrappings as he oh-so hesitantly snuck into the large main room, towards the Pit where he knew his older sister would be. The fearful look on Splinter's face as he fled the room had not been encouraging for the boy, whose turn was- of _course_\- next. They had tried coming to her all at one time once two years ago, but had all learned very quickly that she did _not _like crowds. "I-I have some f-food for yoooouuu…"

Donatellia perked up at that, turning to the youngest. "Minnows?" She asked as he hurried forward with the tray of assorted turtle foods and treats. She normally ate human food, but times like these, when she was at her most Turtle, she often craved turtle foods.

He nodded to her, glad he had what she was after this time, and handed the plate to her. She snagged a few of the slimy little fish and dropped them into her open mouth, sighing in satisfaction. Those were washed down with her last swallow of tea.

"Thanks, Angie." She said, both grateful and rude at the same time; she knew he _despised_ being called that. He wisely bit back any retorts he may have had. He was still trembling.

After a long moment, she spoke again. "Ugh.. Bro, I _need_ sunlight."

"B-but Doni, you have the l-lamp, doncha?" He asked, a bit confused. He remained standing where he was, making no move to approach her.

"Yeyh, but it's not the _saaaaaammmeee…"_ She drawled. Michelangelo winced. She looked him directly in the eye, her red orbs suddenly too closely resembling blood for comfort. "You know that, though, don't you? You enjoy seeing me suffer, don't you? Coward!" She literally spat, a gob of saliva landing on his plastron. He backed away slowly, hands held up defensively.

"N-now Doni, you know I-"

"Know what? That you _hate_ me? It's because I'm fat, right? Oh, I feel so fat!" She cut in, tears forming in her eyes. Mikey panicked, waving his arms.

"_What? NO!_" He exclaimed, sweat breaking out on his forehead. "Doni, you're the perfect size! Don't think that about yourself!" He started inching his way towards the now sobbing girl on the couch. She looked up at him when he reached it.

"How do _you _know what the 'perfect size' is? Huh? We're f***ing mutant _turtles_, Michelangelo! There is no 'perfect' for us!" She yelled at him, not batting an eye at her own sudden profanity. Her mask was now soaked through with tears, and her shoulders were wracking with sobs. If she had had a human nose, it would have been overflowing with snot right then.

Mikey, always eager to bring smiles, quickly kneeled down by her side, putting both hands on her shoulders. "Donatellia, you are my beautiful big sister. You're _amazing._ We may not be the humans' definition of perfect, but you know what?" He asked, gently placing a bent finger under her chin. "You'll always be perfect in my eyes." He said earnestly. She stared at him, almost disbelievingly. She was touched; stunned, even.

"R-really?" She whispered. He nodded, giving her a quick hug, knowing she generally didn't like her space invaded for too long.

"Doni, for a genius, you sure can be blind to facts." He joked. She smirked.

"Thanks, Mikey, that's just what I nee-" she paused, eyes narrowing, "-wait. Did you just call me stupid?" Her voice was deadly, and the look in her eyes was even more so. "Did you just f***ing call me stupid, you f***ing asshole?"

Mikey scrambled to his feet, backing away from his swearing sibling.

"N-no, Doni! I said-"

"You _said_," she growled, whipping out a few throwing stars from her belt, "that I was _blind to facts._ You think I'm _stupid_, don't you?" Without waiting for an answer, she started throwing them, one by one, at her brother.

"Doni- AH!- you're ruining- YIPE!- our fluffy bonding- OW!- moment!" Mikey yelled as he tried, and failed, to dodge the pointed projectiles.

"Get your goddamn ass out of here!" she yelled, eyes blazing. He was more than willing to obey, scampering from the room whilst trying to dislodge the shuriken from his carapace.

As soon as Mikey had 'exited stage left', Raph came storming in, shoulders hunched in an attempt to intimidate his sister enough to leave him be. In his hands was Spike; Doni herself- in one of her more lucid, calm moments- had requested he do this each 'time', to remind her of what she really was deep down and give her things to ponder on. He himself didn't quite understand it, but cooperated nonetheless.

"Yo Don, I got Spike here. So stop screaming." He commanded, trying not to shiver at her unholy wrath. She froze in her panting, slowly turning her head to look at him, snarling.

"Raph, if I had both canines, I would be shredding you to pieces right now and using your blood to paint the dojo walls." She bared her one canine tooth for emphasis, clenching her cramping stomach, unfazed by the goriness of what she had just suggested. Raph doubled back in horror, dropping his beloved pet to the floor. Spike glared at his owner and slowly crawled away.

'Maybe if I can help her release somma dis anger, she'll calm down? Yeah, like what Massa' Splinter does wid me!' Raph thought, and forced himself to stop quaking. He stood tall, using all of his willpower to do so, and faced her head-on; despite the fact that she was still seated on the couch, legs sprawled all over the place like only a flexible kuniochi could accomplish, the certain death written across her face was enough to send him into a panicked frenzy if he didn't try as hard as he could to fight the overpowering- and frankly, quite tempting- urge.

"Hit me." He challenged simply, internally smirking in triumph at her dumbfounded expression. She seemed to be deep in thought, the gears in her head almost visibly shifting as she debated.

In reality, however, she wasn't debating anything. 'I wonder- if I pressed hard enough on his trachea, would he scream out of his ears?' Ran through her head, quickly followed by, 'Oh dear God, please make these cramps _stop!_'

Finally standing, the girl walked rather confidently up to her older brother, towering over him. "Fine, _shortie._" She said. "Sure I won't hurtcha?" Raph could practically smell the mocking in her tone.

He growled, then smirked in genuine cockiness and gestured towards his plastron.

Without needing any further prompting, Donatellia pulled her fist back and slammed it into his stomach with all of her strength. She was rewarded with the semi-pleasing sound of the air erupting from his lungs. He collapsed to the ground.

"Ohmigosh Raphie! She exclaimed, suddenly horrified. 'Gosh, being near Raphie now sure brings out the worst in me.' Doni knelt by his side awkwardly, knee pointing outwards to avoid putting pressure on her sore stomach, and placed a hand on his shell. He was coughing, beating a hand on his chest. He had certainly not expected _that._

"Are you okay big bro?" She asked timidly, tears once again forming at the edges of her eyes. Raph sighed; this constant changing of moods was always confusing and frustrating to deal with- _especially_ if you were first on the receiving end of her hellish rage, and then of her sad doe eyes, and then of her cheerful gap-toothed smile… only to then be back to the spiteful rage only spawn of Satan should be capable of.

'Remember, she's just in lots of pain right now…. It'll be over by tomorrow." He mentally recited as he accepted her hand and was pulled to a stand. He gave his best reassuring smile, promising and then swearing and then- dear God- _pinky promising_ that he was, indeed, unharmed. Her look of relief was worth it though, and he guided her gently back to the couch.

"He'e, putcha feet up." He instructed, and she complied, lying on her back. He fetched the softest blanket he could find, covered her in it, and then grabbed both a heating pad and an ice pack from the kitchen. She chose the ice pack first, placing it on her lower plastron and sighing in alleviation as the constant pressure was lessened slightly. He helped her in unbuckling her belt and shoulder strap, which had played a large part in her earlier pain and grumpiness. As her stomach had bloated a bit, the straps had gotten tighter and in turn made her feel like hell. She released a puff of air from her snout, eyes fluttering closed.

Raph smiled fondly, rubbed her head affectionately, and left the room, glad he had been spared the worst of the torment he usually got in these situations.

She napped for maybe two hours before the pressure on her abdomen returned with a vengeance and she found her body struggling to cope with the sheer discomfort of it. She moaned loudly, this time not at all an exaggeration.

"Leeeeeeoooooo….." She groaned in a raspy voice. She knew that, while they would all avoid whatever room she occupied like the plague, they would also always be within hearing range. "_Leeeeeeooooooo…._" She whined again, louder. This time the blue-clad turtle came running to her side, immediately demanding to know what was wrong.

"Can you massage my bridges?" She asked sullenly, sitting up with a clenched jaw. And Leo, knowing full well that it was his turn and that none of the others knew how to do it anyways, nodded in acquiescence and sat in the newly-created space behind her. He took his nimble hands and placed them at about stomach-level on either side of his sister, worked the patches of exposed skin and muscle between the plastron and carapace thoroughly, then moved on to her neck when it became clear the usual just wasn't enough. He hated seeing her so uncomfortable and tired. This really took a lot out of her, and while it seemed like she enjoyed torturing them, they all knew she wished more than anything that it would all just _stop._ Wished that she was a boy, so this never had to happen to her. (Ha! There's a funny thought. Donatello.) Wished she wasn't part human to make this happen on a monthly basis in the first place!

"Thanks." She murmured half an hour later, looking much more relaxed. "You know, your fingers are like f***ing lady fingers." She then commented serenely, out of nowhere. He paused, eying her suspiciously, wondering whether or not to take offense. She flipped him off- well, their version of flipping each other off-, and he did it back. "You guys suck, you know that, lady fingers?" She mumbled, half asleep.

When she didn't elaborate further, he simply grunted and stood, guiding her to lie down once more. He handed her an apple, her T-pod and earbuds, and a water bottle before turning on the heating pad, placing it on her achy plastron and returning to his bedroom; it was almost three in the morning.

She woke them all up at least fourteen more times that night.

~TMS~

The next morning began with a cheery April practically skipping through the turnstiles, shouting out immediate greetings. And in return, she received a group tackle by three harried brother turtles and a stern look from their sensei.

"Guys? What the heck are you doing?" She exclaimed, accepting help in standing up again. Raph placed a hand over her mouth.

"SHHH! Do _NOT_ wake her up or so help me God I will-"

"-Raphael!"

"-ask you politely to whisper." Raph finished, kicking a foot in embarrassment. April raised an eyebrow.

"Eh, Doni's a bit… unwell… at the moment, and she really needs her sleep." Leo was quick to explain. She only looked worried.

"Unwell? Is she sick?" She whispered at their pointed looks.

"Noooo… well, not exactly… And actually, we were wondering if maybe you could take her to your house for the next day or so…" Mikey drawled out, donning the puppy eyes.

"Um, but if she's not feeling well, shouldn't she stay here?"

The brothers all started waving their arms.

"No no! Uhm, she's…" Leo started.

"-PMSing!" Raph inserted, deciding that was the best definition for her… ailment. April blinked in surprise, actually having to take a step back.

"Wait, you guys can menstruate?" She asked. The boys all shared a _look._ Splinter stepped forward.

"Miss O'Neil, you misunderstand. The boys cannot, because they do not share the female anatomy, an-" April crossed her arms, huffing.

"You know what I meant, you dorks!" She exclaimed jokingly, "I meant that it's possible for a _reptile _(Doni) to menstruate?" She jerked her thumb over her shoulder towards the main room.

"LEMME GO OUTSIDE!" Came a startling scream, interrupting Mikey's response. The boys sighed, pitifully begging their friend.

"Please take her!"

"We're boys! We can't handle this!"

"It would be nice to receive some respite."

"PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE-"

"ALRIGHT!" April shouted, cutting them all off. She was starting to get a headache. "I'll take her to my place."

~TMS~

They had been on the roof for over six hours; daylight was now dwindling into nothingness, the sky streaked with reds and purples.

As soon as they had arrived at the apartment complex, Doni had immediately demanded that they go to the roof for some sunlight. And April, knowing turtles needed to bask, had readily agreed. After all, her rooftop was taller than surrounding buildings, and on Saturdays nobody ever went near the top.

But this was getting ridiculous; Doni had laid quite contentedly on the concrete, and still had yet to move or speak. April was starting to get sunburn, and with the sun setting, it was going to get cold soon. Plus, the roof was _boring._

"Don-" She started. She never got the chance to finish, though, because suddenly Donatellia was jumping up and gripping her shoulders frantically.

"Where's the nearest lake?" She asked with an air of urgency. April looked startled before stammering out directions to Montantanto Honorary Lake of Memories (and yes, that was its full, official name).

With that, the turtle was gone.

~TMS~

It took the ginger twenty minutes to run down to the lake, and by then it was almost completely dark out. She couldn't see her friend anywhere.

She began skirting the shores of the large body of water, wishing she had brought a flashlight stronger than the app on her phone.

That's when she stumbled upon a small alcove full of sand and hidden from prying eyes. And, curiosity peaked, April ducked inside and shined the small light around.

A strange clumping of the sand caught her attention, and she squatted down, digging. She eventually found herself dusting a coating of sand off of a group of about seven eggs.

Seven _large_ eggs.

That were _round_.

Like _turtle_ eggs.

She picked one up very carefully; it fit in her palm just barely; these things were pretty damn huge. The question arose in her mind as to whom these eggs belonged, and her stomach dropped as the logical answer came to her.

Oh Lord. Doni's brothers were going to _slaughter_ her.

But if the turtle had just laid eggs, where was she now?

The answer to that question came a few minutes later as the turtle in question came stumbling back into the alcove, wiping her mouth. Man, vomiting was _not fun_. Well, she thought, at least I feel better now.

"Oh, hey Ape!" She said casually, like her friend wasn't currently holding one of her offspring. April almost dropped the warm orb in her surprise, standing to her full height.

"D-_Doni!_" She shrieked, holding the egg out. "What the _hell?_" Doni eyed the sphere with an appraising eye, then smirked proudly.

"Pretty cool, aren't they?" She asked, as if speaking of a new scientific discovery. April was shaking.

"_Cool?_ Doni, you've given _birth!_ Your brothers will _kill you!_ AND me! Who the hell is the father?" She demanded, returning the egg to its sandy nest and crossing her arms over her chest expectantly. Doni looked at her, confused.

"Uhm, nobody…" She said slowly, a look of concern on her face now. April mistook her confusion for guilt.

"Oh dear God. It- it's not-" She choked on her own words, face paling to an impossible degree. She gulped, voice now only a whisper. "-it's n-not one of your _brothers, _is it? IS IT?" She cried, grasping her head. Doni rushed forward and grabbed her arms.

"Woah, woah! Why would you even- Euck! Tcest? NO. Never in a bajillion years." She said adamantly, now crossing _her_ arms. "Scarred for life… Anywho, nah, there is no father." She answered.

"What? That's impossible!"

"No, it's not! Do you know anything about turtle biology? No? Well, female red eared sliders- our breed, _bee-tee-double-yew_\- will lay infertile eggs once a year during breeding season whenever there's no male to fertilize them. Now, because _I_ am almost 50% human- if not more, I inherited your needs to, well, sort of like menstruate, once a month. So, for me, it happens once a month like humans instead of once a year like turtles. Oh, yeah, and you guys suck." She said half-heartedly, sticking her tongue out.

April, while looking relieved and much healthier than two minutes before, was still shaking, and her eye was twitching. Donatellia noticed this and smiled, throwing an arm around her best friend's shoulders.

"Don' worry about it, Ape! They're unfertilized...You can destroy them now." Doni said cheerfully.

"D-destroy?" April asked numbly.

"Yeyh. Y'know, crush 'em, burn 'em, chop 'em up. No babies 'nside or anything. Don't need Bishop or somebody else finding 'em, and I'm much too tired to do it. But you can handle it, no biggie. … Say, you alright there? I didn't take you for a squeamish person."

April flipped her off and fainted.

**No flaming, or I'll sic a pissy Doni on you.**

**And guess what? I finally found a spelling for my version of 'yeah'. That wonky thing, 'yeyh'? ... Best I could do. It's a mixture between the sounds 'yih', 'yay' and 'yeh'. In case you were wondering what the hell that was about.**


End file.
